FEAR

Just finished watching defending your life. It's a play on the name. A movie about a man who gets hit by a bus and goes to a place where he needs to "defend his life" choices to a panel of judges. His case was to get past his fear. The premise is that fear captivates us. Imprisons us, causes us to shrink and not excel.

The thing is -- The more we shrink, the more afraid we become, and the more afraid we become, the more we shrink.

Last night i was afraid! I'm not sure of what exactly - Maybe everything and anything. But i knew i was afraid. Every sound stirred me, every movement shook me. I guess the thought is what if i came out of my room that night -- just to go to the bathroom, or to get a drink of water, maybe just to check on the files i was working on. Whatever the case i could have -- it's my house - my home. Getting up in the middle of the night would be my prerogative. -RIGHT?

Does someone who decides to come into your house in the middle of the night, while you are there, prepare themselves to deal with you if you get up? What is their plan?


What does defending your life mean, when you are dealing with someone invading your home?
Is it Weapons, Skill sets, trap doors, escape routes, and everything thinkable. Or is it the will to break the cycle of fear.

How do I break the cycle? What force now needs to be introduced to this cycle to move it out of the shrink fear shrink fear spiral and back on to its designated course. Take chances, grow, self improvement, self actualization.

I Keep praying for an answer.

Picking up The Pieces

Still no signs at the end of the tunnel.
But the the pieces must be picked up.
Life must continue.

But How?

Well the place is clean and their is almost no evidence of what happened.
Only that feeling inside. You know you were violated.
Your mind tells you that someone out their somewhere is touching your things.

Your mind tells you that it could have gone quite differently.
They were inside. Only a few feet away from where i slept.

Anger rages to the surface. Are any of us really safe.
Am i as safe, even now, as i let myself believe.

How can one truly be safe?
Does imprisoning yourself behind steel bars make you safe.
Does heavy expenditures on the latest gadgets and gizmo's make you safe.

WHAT! WHAT! WHAT!

Peace be Still!

Where to turn

Day 3

Still many questions. Still no answers

The first 48

48 hours has almost passed and i haven't seen or heard from a detective. Crime in Jamaica goes a little slower than the rest of the world -- so i guess conventional wisdom as far a crime fighting is concerned doesn't apply here.

The CSI or SOC (Scene Of Crime) Investigators did come by though. Forget the fact that their efforts should be guide by the detectives working the case - but here the cart leads the horse. anyway the cart seemed to do a pretty good job and they were on top of things. So i had some peace.

Time clean up and get life back on track.

Where to go? Where to turn? What's the next move? Will this be resolved? How soon? Questions race through my mind. For now just to clean, wash, put away, life goes on.

Today was the wrong day to wake up

I woke up this morning to an empty house. This is not the kind of morning you want to wake up to.

Yesterday was a long day. I decided to add an extra day of work to my regular work week. ease the pressure off the usual hustle heading into the weekend. help some people get there work on time. after the day had ended for most people - I even threw in an extra hour. a little bit more attention. a helping hand. @ 2:00 am, I decided to call it a night. what a night it was. while it slept it was only just beginning for someone else.

I woke up this morning to an empty house and my entire life changed - in a second. with just a thought.

Their is not a more hollow feeling than the moment you realize your life has been invaded. someone has forced their way into your life. Touched everything you care about. Taken whatever they have a mind to and left you - EMPTY - you turn to look for help and there is no-one there. your life can never be the same.

I woke up thismorning to an empty house. My life was... My life is...